There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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