OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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