my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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