My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
