he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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