Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
