peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
