Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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