im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
