I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
