Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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