I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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