when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Acid is not a monday night drug
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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