i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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