I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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