Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
