fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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