It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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