I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
