Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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