thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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