About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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