I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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