Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
