i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
