Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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