Moan for me like Helen Keller
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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