I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
