Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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