3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
