I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This girl is more easily done than said...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
