dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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