At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
