I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
