I want to stick my p in your. b.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She told me I should be a condom model.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
