My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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