you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
