I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
