Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
