He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
