He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
