I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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