my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
