I wish my penis had an off switch
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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