She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Randomize
