Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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