the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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