see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
