Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
