I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
