today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
