Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
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ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
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He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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