you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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