Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
