I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
