The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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