The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
